Words I hate
Cotillion.Sure, I'm no connoisseur of elegance in the form of dresses, long white gloves, the American south, young women, and curtsying. In fact, I would be lying if I said I've never entertained a...
View ArticleThe raft
Life's not an ocean, it's a raft. The ocean is the universe; existence at large. But that fragile, malleable, flimsy tarpaulin of a vessel we cling to desperately in the choppy waves is Life. And...
View ArticleLeap years
...are stupid. And I'm glad we don't have one this year. You can't just add a day to a year. If our calendar is inefficient we should suffer the consequences. And if that means in five hundred years...
View ArticleForwards and backwards
In my dream last nightWell, I was drunk and you sent a noteMuch like this oneWhere the message works both backwards and forwardsAre you familiar with this?This is totally strange.This is totally...
View ArticleBreak up template
Dear _______,I'm sorry. I know this might come as a (shock/surprise/relief) to you, but I don't think we should (see/fuck/date) each other (for a while/anymore/until these meds start working).The thing...
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Who goes there?
I don't tell people about this site, yet somehow people find it in droves. They also tend to leave it in droves, but I'm still surprised that year over year, more people visit.And what is it that they...
View ArticleWater's a waste
Water isn't great. I mean, it's everything not to like about liquid. When people tell me how awesome drinks like whiskey and Diet Pepsi are made, they usually start with water and add a fuck tonne of...
View ArticleWild speculation
On polar bears:God: Tracy, could you come over here for a moment?God's P.A. Tracy: Yes, sir. What is it?God: What's the cutest animal we have designed?Tracy: I think that would be the white bear with...
View ArticleMemoirs of the unemployed
A few years ago, as a condition of receiving Employment Insurance (dole, pogey, etc.,), I had to enroll in a government sponsored program called the Job Hunting Club. Calling it a club was probably a...
View ArticleReal letters from real geeks
Dear reader,An excellent thank you letter must be gracious, kind and forthright. You, dear reader, will refer to the reader by their first name, because that will allow an air of ease and levity. It is...
View ArticleA country of broken necks
Spines are shattered; everyone's necklessRubbernecks never run for officeLet's just quit this rat race, looks likeGod should flatly concede all trace–Danglin' floppin', cubicles-airplanesChemicals...
View ArticleOutmoded measurement
Jerry Seinfeld is absolutely right to mock our continued use of "horsepower" to measure modern machines. We should at least switch to elephants or something. Or politicians. They're pretty powerful if...
View ArticleAn optical illusion
As Lydia tediously unwraps the packaging of the day's events, Harvey listens with the intensity befitting the utterly smitten: with open, searching eyes and gentle nods of reassurance."Anyway, I'm...
View ArticleReasons for committing suicide
Oh, hi. You're still here? I could have sworn you had already left. Serves me right for not delivering these to you sooner. Pay attention; these are some more-than-convincing reasons to get your butt...
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A decree
I found this scrawled in my notebook:I hereby Decree, that, in an Effort to drastically improve the Fruits of my creative Endeavours, I shall increase my output, to a degree conducive to Improvement in...
View ArticleFuck the 90s
I'm not adept with women. My hamartia is not that I'm brusque, awkward or unfunny. I'm smoove as fuck, y'all. But I do have a weakness for batting eyelashes on brunettes with the gentlest of waves in...
View ArticleRecipe for disaster
Ingredients:1 ex-girlfriend1.5 bottles of Jameson2.5 hour long discussion about her most recent trip to Venice, and her period of "self-discovery" whatever that means1 dash nostalgiaresentment (to...
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Junk mail and nothingness
I received this e-mail in my inbox the other day.And by "other day" I mean in December of last year. Look, e-mail isn't my forté, OK? It reads:This is how you get the universe from nothingness....
View ArticleFour score times four and four score more
At the end of these four paragraphs, I will have managed to publish four-hundred* pieces of "writing" to this website. I put scare quotes around 'writing' because this "achievement" kind of scares me....
View ArticleWords I hate
Whilst.Listen asshole, you aren't British and you never will be. Who are you trying to kid with that "whilst" business? What, suddenly you're continental and sophisticated because you added a hiss and...
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